Life as We Know It Textbooks, soap-making, emails, resumes, cat hair, and uncontrollable ambition all make up for a mentally exhausting lifestyle; but its the lifestyle myself and a few other students around Canada have undertaken because of what I can only assume is a more active sense of vision than ability to upkeep. Whoever said being a dreamer is rewarding is a liar, at least for the time being. Being a dreamer is a constant haul of emotions and inspirations that can often be killed by reality over the course of seconds or even years! The amount of dissatisfaction I've felt at the world and myself is strenuous compared to the time I feel 100% secure in my direction. But to be honest, it's not because because being a dreamer is a bad thing; I have to stop myself from letting the light die when things get rough. Rather, I think that this internal conflict of passion versus direction is closely related to something much more subtle and ingrained in the needs of the human brain: Cohesiveness. Reaching for Cohesiveness Without some notable level of cohesiveness, defined by Dictionary.com as, "to be naturally or logically connected," the mind turmoils in a state of cognitive dissonance, or incongruity. Not only does this 'cognitive dissonance' heighten stress and anxiety response in the body at a very subtle level, but it also consequently produces some pretty wacky conclusions about life, the world, and even yourself. Some common issues of cognitive dissonance for me are,
I'm currently pursuing two different sects of education, started a hobby soap shop, working to stay connected and helpful at my home church among other things, and it all makes for some really great momentary dopamine of validation, but because I wasn't raised in a world filled with mermaid-Pastor-biologist-farmer-crafter-entrepreneurs, I don't have a cohesive visual for how my life, direction, and passions can be dovetailed. Super cheesy example, but since I recently watched it for the sake of 16 year-old nostalgia; I feel like a 'divergent' from, well, Divergent; as if my results are inconclusive and my place in society is unforeseen. But I know that because of the nature of God's intentionality, there must be some serendipitous conclusion to my wide, contemplative, expanse of dreams. But I don't know how to bring conclusions or consequential directions to the issues I listed to you earlier; I don't know how to reach cohesiveness for myself. What Drives You? In trying to put everything together, I've developed a bit of a categorized system for interpretation of the actual drives and passions that result in cognitive dissonance for myself: my spiritual call, categorized as my integral passion, and my ingrained interests, or peripheral passion. I know, I know; those are some weird phrases that make no sense on their own, so let me break it down for you: Integral Passion: Your spiritual call, drive, or inner motive under God's purpose.
Peripheral Passion: Your ingrained interest or pursuit; often what gives you joy or fulfills you outside of your calling. (ex. career, hobby, lifestyle, etc.)
It helps me to separate these two sects of passion (integral and peripheral) conclusively so that I don't continue to perceive them as conflicting or overwhelming. An illustration I like to visualize is different pieces of pottery, all made of different types of clay with different density levels, weights, colourations, and so on. These different items with different pre-decided purposes (i.e. a teapot vs. a salad bowl) all depend on their own specific clay to make them the best at what they're intended for. Not to make you laugh, but if you're made of lumpy, harsh, dense clay - you may not be successful at being a teapot. Moral of the story: accept your clay (accept who you are) and build with what you're best at. How does that relate directly to my fancy 'peripheral' and 'integral' passions? Well, it's all to say that you should try to discern what those are for you; they might be the clay for your character, your drive, your passion, and everything else that matters. Knowing yourself better through introspection and reflectively rolling with it is probably the best way to ward off stressful cognitive dissonance about what you're doing with your life; I know it helps me. But besides stewarding ourselves effectively for our specific purpose, how can we stay sane in pursuing it all? I know that my biggest problem is balancing my peripheral and integral motives, and convincing myself that they're not conflicting or flawed (like a Divergent), so what do I tell myself to move forward in wisdom and coherence? Keeping it Sane Trying to conclude immediate direction, choices, and goals from both your integral and peripheral passions can be complicated and seemingly opposite stuff, so we need to figure out how to balance our own mental capabilities with the commitments we make to pursue such passions. As for myself, I have a huge problem refusing commitments in the name of 'higher purpose'; and I never know how confident I should be faith-wise, especially when I feel like one direction is distracting me from the other and somehow 'leading me away from God'. Recently though, I heard something that I don't think I'll ever forget: walking your life out under God's hand isn't like climbing up a step on the ladder every time you do something right and backing down when you screw up; it's like a slow, steady walk that involves falls, detours, and hurdles; but all the while, is one single path. This example was given by an incredible youth Pastor named Jaden Neufeld, who spoke at a preteen conference I helped at recently. I remember being caught up most of that service with trying to keep the kids in line and then all the sudden hearing these words and being taken back with tears. I saw the ladder on stage, and as Jaden carefully laid the ladder on its side to negate its authority over my life, I felt release, conviction, and revelation. I think sometimes we live our lives basing our confidence in both ourselves and in God in how 'high up the ladder' we are, and then feeling desolate and sorry when we mess up in some way and are forced to step back down. What this illustration provided me, most of all, was the idea that my life is not self-contradicting; my passions and directions are not guilt-charged or conflicting but gifts from God that I should count on Him to navigate. Now, like the biggest, long-winded hypocrite of the century, I still have no exact conclusion for the 'perfect model of being', but I can tell you this: The last part of what Jaden Neufeld said to all of those preteens out there was that when on your long, slow walk, you fall and scrape your knees; God will be the one who lifts you up and dusts off the dirt from your knees, not you. And this is because of His character. And that is surely the closest thing we can replicate for being. When you waver in what direction you should take or what you should prioritize, pursue His character. When you feel broken and desolate for being human, pursue His character. When you feel like nobody understands you and your passions are conflicting mistakes, pursue His character. So here I am in the midst of emotional storms of misunderstanding and hard choices, walking with as much discernment as I can muster in a long, slow trod, reminding myself to count on my heavenly Father to be the one to make my path and dust off the dirt from my knees. So A Rocha, here I come. Mermaiding, stay cool my friend. And world, look out.
2 Comments
excellent dissertation on "taking vision seriously". One does wonder how you get all your college work done in a day and write these profoundly thoughtful blogs. Love the conclusion, PURSUE HIS CHARACTER. Yes that is the deepest and most rewarding pursuit. But a difficult one to monitor as we are ever tempted to define God by our pluralistic imaginations over his expressed personhood in Scripture. I find the exploration of God's character most challenging in the pursuit of vision because the purposes you discover from your own musings and activity ultimately reflect back upon the person who called you to it
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Rebekah
3/27/2019 07:38:19 am
Strangely enough, writing out my thoughts like this in an accountable, consistent manner has proved to help me feel more active and motivated; I'm not sure what the exact correlation is, but it's been helping me to write my college assignments better too! That's an interesting point about discovering God's character in vision, and it makes sense. As the massive blog post states, I sometimes have a hard time feeling secure in the vision I'm pursuing. But, interacting with what you're saying, I think I need to trust a little more when it comes to God's ability to direct vision. I have lots of musings, i.e. crafting bathbombs, soaps, painting, etc., but nothing has ever been so important to me as families and youth, and out of the deepest depths of my personality, I have a huge intrigue for community and wildlife sustainability. From it all, it seems like expression of vision in today's society isn't really talked about in many Christian circles, but looks to be pretty important in solidifying spiritual identity
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