Long time, no see! Miss me!? Oh man, I can't even begin to go on about how full life has been lately, it's been so, so good, but full. So my apologies for going AWOL for like a week and a half, I hope you've all been doing super well! inside outOKAY, SO. Full life lately! I've been working lots, ministry has been on the rise too, and I even went camping with my family and friends! All in all, I can say with certainty that this period of 'fullness' has been very growing in many different ways. First of all, I've been able to experience the contrast between busying the heart and hands. You see, I've spent a lot of time lately 'keeping up' with outside needs: work, ministry, my Biology course, etc. And as you know, I'm a very internally active spirit, I tend to bloom and develop and act within my mind and heart for the sake of personal character growth, but I don't always pursue the opportunity to grow outside of that. By undergoing this experience, I've been able to build not only valuable growth-relationships, but also the trust in them. By this I mean to say that I've been more actively pinged by my anxiety, but even more strengthened by my growing trust and dependence on the support and mentorship of those around me. Yes, I've been doing many other things that have grown my skillset and perspective at work, but it seems like my new openness to external figures and situations has been growing me from the inside-out. I'm starting to believe that the image that Holy Spirit provided me at the beginning of the summer, of a captive plant, hidden away in the darkness of a cardboard box, newly opened to allow new growth and exploration, applies to how I conduct myself even just with people like colleagues! This revelation may seem silly, but trust me, The war with my anxiety and social suspicion is ongoing, and developing a very real trust to lean on other people and mentors than those I already know inside and out is such a win against it. Vulnerability winsYou get it, vulnerability wins; it's a good idea; it brings character development, trust, and healthy relationships. Well, that's exactly what I've been building on this season: vulnerability. I find that the more I put myself out there, the more I feel okay with the people around me; the more I trust them. It's always been difficult because of how people-oriented I am, while been riddled with anxiety and suspicion on a day-to-day basis. Another issue I've had lately is the way I treat relationships, as if they can't exist unless I bring something of extreme value to the table. If I can't say something smart, or I can't offer a rare skill to the situation, or maybe even make someone laugh or smile in recognition enough, I feel like a void entity. Now, this other person may not actually be ignoring me (or be in a similar mindset of my 'unworth'), but I will perceive everything I do in that way because of my pre-existing dissatisfaction with myself. Isn't that unhealthy? You know, I read an incredible book by Donald Miller called 'Scary Close', and I always claim it to be my favourite book (seriously good read) but I've realized how inconsistent my actions and thoughts are from what I've learned from the book. If the book teaches vulnerability and self-acceptance, why am I (a Scary-Close fanatic) still stumbling e v e r y d a y on such things? I know them to be destructive obstacles. I really couldn't explain that disconnect to you, but I know it's there. I said this before, but I just want to emphasize it a little more: the more I put myself out there, the more I feel okay with the people around me and the more I trust them and myself. A community cannot be built on occasional efforts. Anyways, I found this to be an interesting introspection, and fairly convicting as well.
It seems that the different tides of my life all bring different revelations and unique growth opportunities, but I guess that's how God works: holistically. My goal this next week and the season beyond is to consider my worth (as given by God's love) before saying things or interacting with people in ways that aim to 'prove my worthiness'... I would love to build relationships from the bottom of my heart, no strings attached, and vulnerability fully-accessible. Character development is more of a lifestyle than it is a born set of traits. To finish off, I'd like to challenge you to consider what contradictions you're believing; what has been innately preventing you from growth?
1 Comment
8/26/2019 11:27:36 am
At last, I've caught up on Rebekah's blog posts and I'm ready to tell her how wonderful they are! (I know you've been waiting with bated breath LOL)
Reply
Leave a Reply. |
Welcome,My name's Rebekah. Categories
All
Archives
March 2020
|