There is power in the name of Jesus to break every chain, break every chain, to break every chain. - Tasha Cobbs Seeing is believingDo you ever notice how difficult it is to be ever mindful of what’s going on through our minds? It’s so difficult to keep track of exactly what cycle or state you’re in - especially when you can outwardly spectate over what mindset you’re in. I find it a weakness as well as a strength to be self-aware; a strength in the sense that awareness and introspection leads to growth, but a weakness in the sense that I then hold everyone else up to the same light. The fact that I do this really isn't fair, if you look at it objectively. It's not fair because people have different methods of learning, not everyone needs to constantly self-analyse to excel in self-development. I guess you might be wondering where I've been for nearly a month - and the answer is I've been on Vancouver Island helping out at Nanoose Bay Camp. It was an awesome opportunity to watch God move in such impactful ways in kids and preteens, and it was a huge learning experience for me in what ways I can push myself, and in what ways I'm just not gifted at. You see, I had the opportunity of a lifetime to lead in a way I was so excited about, but in reality, I had no idea about. Conveniently, my anxiety began to torment me with the unknown and lack of clarity, and there were moments I needed a serious wakeup-call to why I was there: to minister to students. My issue and distraction was fighting my suspicions of what others thought of me. I was constantly trying to balance my authority rather than humble myself to the call of relationship with people, which is what I'm called to. It wasn't until someone reminded me that my anxiety, my internal conflict, and my excessive value of my negative self-evaluation could be used as a spiritual tool of sin; not to sound too overly scary and spiritual, but recognizing that the negativity and anxiety that was blinding me these past two weeks was something that consistently re-calibrated me. It wasn't until I saw the fruitless attempts to regain my authority as they were: fruitless, and essentially unnecessary. His eye is on the sparrowThe thing that bothers me most about the way I was being tormented was that I forgot that my saviour takes my burdens freely; that the promise of peace made by the cross defeats all the chains I could ever face. Let me both explain to you why I chose a photo of a butterfly for this post's cover photo as well as give you a V.I.P. pass into the imagery of Rebekah's mind. I often think back to that song about God taking care of the sparrow when I'm anxious, and similarly when I saw this butterfly, my mind took me to a place where I remembered how he is so clearly attentive and careful with my life just as a botanical caretaker is with this magnificent specimen. Seeing the colours, the peacefulness, and the trust that this butterfly had around me astounded me, and I received what you could call a wakeup-call to the reality that as long as I know that I am under the Creator's caretaking, I can trust that He will provide and keep me safe. It seems like such an elementary thought, but it really worked my mind. That crazy butterfly served me some well-deserved empirical evidence that there's something out there that's even more elementary in nature than my dumbfounded conclusions: the attentive love of God. Back to the basicsConfession time: I may be a pastor's kid, a fairly devoted Christian, and a hopefully nice person, I don't always lean on the single most important message of the gospel, which is God's severe love for me. I flash the badge, I (usually) walk the walk, and I get excited at chances for ministry and evangelism, but I don't always depend on Him for strength. I find myself getting stuck in this rut of innately believing that He's provided me a way to redeem myself rather than accepting His freely given redemption as it is. What's hilarious about this is that I am regularly tormented with low self-esteem these days, with anxiety and over-validation of other people's perspective of myself; but on the contrary, the only image I should be concerned with pleasing is that of my heavenly Father. He's given me gifts, passions, a call, and everything I own, and yet I find myself depending on the perspectives of others for validation. As I was pondering this this morning and last night, I began to rewrite out my call over, and over again: "To empower, protect, and mentor young people through the strength and freedom of Christ'. If that's not irony, I don't know what is. Here I am, shaking in my boots over what my mentors and peers think of my methods and my status, when I have every opportunity to draw out my call here and now. I may have been anxious, I may have been out of my element, I may have been relatively clueless on how to lead 130 kids and 60 teenagers in hype sports, but I did get the opportunity to meet and mentor some amazing individuals. I excelled in relationship, one-on-one prayer, and counselling of several students whom I now love dearly. I received that opportunity; and I can see now that the conflict and lack of clarity were not a burden but an opportunity to get back to what really matters: relational ministry, effectively my calling. At church this morning I was nearly in tears over two things: 1) that my lead pastors are finally home with their adopted son (PRAISE THE LORD), and 2) that Jesus is a chainbreaker and a peace-giver. It took me so much thought, anxiety, and sleep deprivation to realize that I need to focus on what matters to me, which is relational ministry. I may not be able to sway crowds at the moment, or impress mentors with my patience, but I can always come alongside an individual and remind them of the Christ-provided freedom that even I so desperately need. Thanks so much for taking the time to journey with me into the intimate depths of my mind and spiritual growth. If there's one piece of application you take from this post let it be this, Jesus' promise of peace is strong enough to break every single chain that could come against you and your specific call. It's important you remember that.
1 Comment
9/4/2019 01:15:49 pm
Cathy and I were recently having the conversation about God's eyes being "on the sparrow" (and the idea that, in Jesus' words, He sees us as being "worth more than many sparrows") and it has really helped us with our own anxiety and self-esteem issues.
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