Values'Tis the season for going over personal values! My church has been going over their values as a sermon series, I have friends who are redefining personal values, and even I, myself, have been discerning the importance of values and what it is that I envision character-wise looking forward. Aside from that, I've been pondering this as the next step in the "Inner Peace" series, but more specifically, I've been tackling what it means to actually represent personal values instead of what they are. I think often it's much easier to talk about what we believe in than actually enact it with coherence and intention, and the same applies to personal values: talk is cheap, let's get real.
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I'm back!
I'm home from a restful break in Oliver, and rolling back into the next semester at full speed. Man alive, there has been a lot of passion-testing and development this season, which is exactly what I want to talk about today. Have you ever come out of a busy time that keeps your senses on high alert and your productivity at max capacity, just to crash and burn emotionally? That's a fairly common experience, especially in our industrialized culture that capitalizes on time and productivity. We're all working hard for something all whilst nurturing the maturing dream that hangs on our backs. We all want to see our dreams come to fruition and 'leave the nest' so to speak, as well as remain relevant in this driven culture. What comes in the way? The fog. This mysterious emotional deterrent from passion and vigor is exactly what I want to talk about today, and I'd love for you to ponder it with me. It's funny, somehow, that we each fight so intensely for a place.
We fight eachother, we fight life, we fight circumstance; we fight virtually anything that we perceive to stand in our way, or somehow devalue us. We find ourselves fighting against every unique challenging thing, regardless of its nature, and spend so much time scrutinizing each of them for potential threats. We spend so much time striving against the passing clouds of circumstance that we forget what kind of unmoving foundation we're rooted in. If you're an Enneagram type 4, like me, you know the fight for individual worth and you know it well. So much time used in the vacant land of the mind to put situations and people on the court stand for their true thoughts of our own individuality, weighing polarized either to assurance or opposition. I certainly have a knack for wasting time in the clouds of discernment. The truth is that each of us are uniquely made, and offer individually specific things to the world. But how can we press forward in offering our uniquely created selves to impact others without speculating our allies and our axis? As I sit here, at my plant-crowded desk, wondering what to type onto this page and listening to sweet, sweet Latin music of which I can't understand a word, I can't help but feel a lack of control. But it's not a scary lack of control, it's more of a sweet surrender. A surrender that comes from basking in the unpredictable and indecipherable happenings of now. You see, there's a flood of emotions that comes with transition and change, but a deep peace as well.
The change I'm talking about is a simple one in my life, it's basically routine: school is in. It's away from full-time ministry and back into training and classes. Which is all fine and dandy, except that I feel that the person I was, the influencer and the leader that was cultivated within myself is at stake. I've spent thousands of tears, terrified of losing my current stability and health, longing for the people I won't be able to see again for months in the busyness, and petrified of waiting longer. But like I said, I feel a sweet, sweet peace. Long time, no see! Miss me!?
Oh man, I can't even begin to go on about how full life has been lately, it's been so, so good, but full. So my apologies for going AWOL for like a week and a half, I hope you've all been doing super well! “Use the wings of the flying Universe, choice is optionalYou know it's funny, I didn't really expect to feel overwhelmed in the slightest this summer with all that I have going on - but the truth of the matter is that it is a little overwhelming... If I let it be.
See, I spent my entire week running all over the place, in meetings, postponing appointments, and getting started on fundraisers and other programs I'm helping to run, and not once did I look at it in the moment with distaste or ungratefulness. Now, I could've been salty if I wanted to - especially because of the feelings of worry and immediacy that flooded in through my ears after I got off shift or out of a meeting, but honestly I'm just thankful for the beautiful things I get to be apart of this summer. This outlook did not come unhelped, in fact, it was due to external help. "Peace, bringing it all to peace, the storm surrounding me, let it break at Your name" the storm's'a ragin'Not just the external storm of craziness, also the internal storm! The stories you tell yourself can kick up some pretty serious weather; not only that, but the mind as we know it is a complicated entity that wavers like the wind.
I know in my own case, I struggle with anxiety and suspicion like the whole sky is falling! It takes a lot of awareness, boundaries, and close friends to keep me level-headed and confident in reality. It's a huge issue in our modern society for so many reasons - an elevated awareness to the world's shenanigans especially - and I like to think that we all have to implement leverage at some point in time to keep our heads on straight, and avoid falling into traps of anxiety and distrust. The fact is, like my recent post states, our amygdalae need reminders that not everything is deadly and imminent. Today's post is short and sweet, and relatively convicting, so I'd advise you wear a helmet. DevotedIt's not often that we see people who both say they belong to something as well as actively stand by it. We have organizations, politicians, and every-day-'Joes' who all publicly subscribe to a cause or commitment but falter in the shadows to what's easy and cultural. It seems that none of us can get away from lack of devotion no matter how hard we try, and we continuously allow for the burning candles of cause and passion to be swept by the wind of neglect and lack of accountability. Reflect on yourself as I, myself: what candles have you allowed to be blown out in the privacy of your darkness and hiding?
I'm not just talking about how long you could remain a vegetarian after watching a vulgar PETA video on Facebook, or how long it took before your New Year's Resolution of keeping your kitchen clean died off, but rather, I'm pointing toward purpose and directive. You've heard my spiel on purpose and directive before, so I'll get straight to the point: knowing vs. doingLately, I have been in a state of waiting for things to happen. I mean, sure, I've been doing a whole lot lately as well, with travelling to the Okanagan, volunteering, etc., but I've also been waiting for things to start. It's interesting how much time you can spend waiting for things, and unless you find an opportunity to make something of yourself in the way, things can feel pretty dull and pretty directionless. It's only a matter of time before a period of waiting and anticipation becomes a deterrent from hopeful and intentional living. Hope is hard to cultivate in things that aren't tangible.
"You need a reminder once in a while that life isn't as immediate and primal as your amygdala might have you think." life. is. crazy.I just finished my THIRD YEAR of college. Like, two days ago!
If you can't tell, my tone is one of utter disbelief and confusion. The reason why I'm so confused isn't because I'm absolutely terrible at school and am surprised I actually made it (though it is a factor), but rather because I'm yet a year closer to being thrown into the grips of life and ministry without a safety net like school in the fall to retreat to. Besides school though, life is still busy. If you've seen recent updates to my website, you'll notice a few things: 1) I have the honour of helping Movement Church Abbotsford in their ministries as they grow, 2) I only recently figured out that I have a solid income this summer working with people I love, which I'm stoked about, and 3) I'm still a total nut who can't make up her mind on what to do with life. 😉 |
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